A Spectator of My Own Life
A vulnerable and incomplete reflection on anger and grief after job loss
The weekend of Thanksgiving while we were on vacation in Georgia at my in-laws’, I found out in an email that I no longer had a job. I won't disclose the details here — I honestly don't even know how to. I've struggled to type the words "I lost my job" in this space. It's not an amicable situation and I live in a small city — those are just two of the many components factoring in to how I talk about this difficult situation.
There are so many thoughts and feelings I've drafted or noted, but none of them feel right to express yet. I think they will eventually, just not now. I'm in a vulnerable place while looking for new employment and my emotions are hot. I'm in a balancing act of letting off steam and keeping my composure because I have to find a job. Losing your job during the holidays is brutal and searching for a new one during the holidays is grueling. When I’m asked during an interview why I'm looking for a fresh career move, I give very little information except that I found myself without a job via email the weekend of Thanksgiving — jaws always drop — which is validating and also makes me want to start crying. When people affirm it as a heartless blow, I feel like the gaslighting I've experienced weakens a little more and my body and breath suddenly recognize each other again.
I am a co-breadwinner, a 50% household income contributor in a home that has two children. Losing your job is on the list of top 5 most stressful life events ever (right up there with death and divorce), but I can't help but wonder if me being a mother or even a woman makes it harder to grasp the gravity of the situation. There's a triteness I receive sometimes, not often, but occasionally, and it's feels painfully insulting. Don't get me wrong, I have an overwhelming amount of support from friends and family, but those few dismissals sting.
I'm learning more about myself — which is what I always say when something bad has happened, it affords me new insights into the ways I didn't hold boundaries. I know, boundaries, blah blah blah — it's the quintessential millennial issue — but it's also the reason for a lot of my problems. I get so deeply afraid of letting people down that I end up betraying myself. I've let myself down by not putting myself first, which isn't good for the people I love. I'm more equipped to offer love and care to the people in my life that matter most when I’ve filled myself with love and care. I have deprived myself of what I need so that others can use me as a stepping stone. It sounds dramatic, but it is much more subtle when played out in real life.
It isn’t the way I would choose to enter the new year. New years are supposed to be about optimism and hope, new beginnings and building habits. That just hasn’t been my experience. This is such a depressing season to me. I know that isn’t the profundity that most people strive for when contemplating a new year, but it feels the most honest. I’ve largely tried to ignore any desire I have to set new goals or create new habits. Right now I’m just trying to take back center stage of my own life and that is all the challenge I can handle in this moment.
There's an exchange between Julie and Aksel in The Worst Person in the World and it sums up perfectly how this current hardship has felt for me. Julie says to Aksel "I feel like a spectator in my own life. Like I'm playing a supporting role in my own life." He replies "I get that you feel stuck. You need a change. But is this the solution?" And she says "I'm trying to tell you how I feel and you're defining my feelings."
I have not been in charge of my life. There have been times when my feelings and experiences were re-defined so that I was no longer the primary person in my story, but other people were. It’s like they took the pen out of my hand and started writing what they believed needed to happen next, crossing out what I had authored and scribbling in their own versions. I need to start listening to myself and to the people who know and love me. I've been filled with so much self doubt and the people who are really close to me actively combat it. I need to believe them and I need to believe myself.
As much as I don’t want to admit it publicly, things have been hard and dark lately. Financial strain and psychological gymnastics, particularly during the holiday season, creates an experience rife with sleepless nights and dangerous introspection. It isn’t easy to be confronted with the reality that you’ve been hurt and wronged. To have allowed that to happen to me feels weak and pathetic. I’m tempted to say I haven’t handled it well, but what does that really mean? How is someone supposed to handle having the rug pulled out from under them? I don’t think there is an answer. I think the only thing you can do is rage and grieve and process with your loved ones and trust that your heart knows better than anyone – it’s no stranger to pain and it knows how to feel it all.
I've been given such a gift in being loved by amazing people. I have incredibly supportive family and friends. If you are among them, thank you. Thank you for being shocked with me. Thank you for checking in on me. Thank you for putting up with my plethora of emotional marco polos, especially the ones where I was uncontrollably sobbing. Thank you for reading things for me and sharing in my anger and holding me in my grief. And thank you particularly to my husband for being abundantly patient in listening and generous with my sadness.
It always strikes me how in It’s a Wonderful Life, Mr. Potter tells George Bailey he’s worth more dead than alive and that's the voice George heeded. He needed to be brave and listen to the voices of those who loved him before he saw how rich his life was. Right now, I'm learning to be brave.
Some things I’ve loved…
If you’ve not seen Past Lives, you must! It’s an incredibly beautiful film and one that I could watch over and over. Reserved romance that leaves you a little teary eyed is the best.
The Iron Claw took me totally by surprise! I ADORED it! I was moved and I thought the emotional complexities that existed were portrayed excellently!
I recently read Circe by Madeline Miller and holy shit! Blown away!
The Marriage Portrait by Maggie O’Farrell was also one that I devoured over the holiday break.
I’m hoping to begin quilting again soon (I haven’t since I was a teenager!) and I plan to share it here! In my efforts to take better care of myself, I’ve been trying to prioritize running and quilting for a couple of months now. It seems every time I start to get it together enough to take time for myself, I fall sick (or unemployed).
Here’s to hoping that next time I write one of these I’ll have photos from a run and a quilt square to share.
Love to you all!